Lonely

I started a story several years ago which was to be a part of a larger work entitled, "Not Alone." We are never alone, God is always with us, and it is rare that there are no other people around us, however that doesn't mean that we can't feel lonely. The time that I felt the most intensely lonely was the day that I went wedding shopping, alone. While I was planning my wedding, which took place in NYS, I lived in AR. My Maid of Honor, 2 of my bridesmaids, and my mother lived in NYS near where the wedding took place and my third bridesmaid as well as my mother-in-law lived in MN. It wasn't practical for them to be in AR when I went wedding dress shopping, and I knew that. At the same time, that is not something that should be done alone. Not only do you need the opinions of others, who know you, your personality and style but also that is just something that should be shared. I ended up going wedding dress shopping again in NYS, because I just couldn't do it alone. Close to 12 years later, I can still remember how I felt that day, and it wasn't how I wanted any part of my wedding or even the planning to be, and certainly not the marriage, either.

Story

Everyone has a story, including me, but that's not what I want to talk about tonight. No, tonight I want to talk about the story I am writing. I've been working on it for a long time, long enough for it to have made it through a couple of moves, a pregnancy and the birth of my son. It's still not ready yet, but it really is something that I want to finish, feel like I need to finish. It's a part of my big dream, the part that didn't include bringing my son into the world, which I accomplished May 1. But, it seems like I could use some encouragement these days and some time...some time that the baby isn't crying or needing to be fed, or changed, etc. It'll happen, I know, but in the mean time it's a little frustrating...without working, shouldn't I be able to get more done?

Introducing my son...

My last post was a long time ago...and in it I announced I was pregnant. Well, now I am back, the pregnancy is over and now I have an almost 3 month old son! For those who have asked, here's the story of the pregnancy and birth.

I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy at 8 weeks and got to see my little baby not yet looking like a person, but nonetheless knowing that there was indeed life growing inside of me. I was so excited and felt so blessed, then a week later I get a phone call from my doctor's office saying that because of the conditions that initially made it difficult for me to get pregnant, I was being declared a "high risk" pregnancy and I would have to see a specialist (when we initially were told of the complications, we were told that it would be difficult to get pregnant, but if we did, the pregnancy itself would be "no big deal"). Throughout the pregnancy they warned me that I was at a greater risk of having a miscarriage in both the first and second trimesters, that my baby would likely be born very early and thus very small and spend many difficult days in the NICU fighting for his/her life. I was advised not to travel after 24 weeks, because they felt that at that point I could go into labor at any time, and I would want to be home so that he would be in the NICU at home and I could visit and such more easily. 24 weeks is the current medical threshold for which they will try to save the baby, babies born before that time are considered miscarried. I always told the baby, you will make it until at least 37 weeks, for your momma's sake and he did. In fact, he made it to 38 weeks. 

So while we are in the delivery room at 38 weeks and I am in pain and enduring back-to-back contractions for about 5.5 hours, at the same time, I am rejoicing that we made it this far and all should be well. Then his monitor shows that he is having issues with his heart pumping and they put me on oxygen to try to help him out and it's not working and then his heart stops during several contractions. Fear overwhelmed me. All during the pregnancy I could sort of ignore the doctors and believe that the God that allowed me to get pregnant in the first place would also allow me to carry this baby to viability and while there were days that fear overtook me, for the most part I was OK. Now, I was not OK. I was scared that even though we had made it this far, that my perfect little son, was going to be taken away from me. That those few days that all I could do was cry because my mind was flooded with the notion that I would never get to meet my son on Earth were true. I cried out to Nathaniel and inwardly prayed that he would be OK, despite what it looked like. When he was born, crying, with an emergency C-section a little while later, both Ben and I sighed with relief and rejoiced again for our little miracle boy. 

They didn't show me him right away and no one really said anything to me about him. I eventually heard the APGAR scores of 8 and 9, and was thrilled with them after such a traumatic time. But maybe 30 to 45 minutes after his birth the NICU nurse who was sent to examine him because of the C-section, came over to me and said, "Your son is fine. He's scrawny, no, that's mean, he's really skinny. But, he shouldn't have made it. I have no explanation. Congratulations." I should have said, "I know why he made it, because God answered my prayers for him." but I didn't, total missed opportunity there, but I was just so shocked at her words that I had trouble comprehending what she said. In fact the only thing I did say was, "but, he's fine, right?" To which, she affirmed that he was and walked away. 

A little while after that, I was moved to a recovery room and I FINALLY got to hold my skinny little boy! :-) 

Grasp

This week has been a monumentous one for me, for both my husband and I. On Wednesday, my husband, who has been out of work since June, was offered a new job about an hour from where we live, which means at least it will be a short move, rather than a long, drawn-out state to state move that we have had in the past. The other news in even better, though, and something only God could orchestrate. I'm pregnant! This is often a great piece of news for a married couple, but if you know our story, it's even more amazing. If you go back and read http://nlpowers.blogspot.com/2012/05/infertility.html you'll see why. So, for now, I am just trying to grasp the concept that this is real and deny Satan the pleasure of stealing the joy of it with the worries of a first time mom who has longed for this time for so long.

Power

"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” -Acts 1:8 NKJV

This was not the actual text of this morning's sermon, however, it was a part of it. Since the content and sentiment of my post on Friday was along the same lines, I'll take it as the Holy Spirit's leading in MY life that something is about to change (or should, at least). If you read my post from Five Minute Friday a few weeks ago you know that change is nothing new for me; it happens more frequently for me than some others, it seems. That doesn't always mean I like it, but I probably tolerate it better than some. 

Anyway, I am pretty sure that I memorized this particular verse at some point before I was a Christian, so perhaps it didn't have the same impact on me when I would read it afterwards. Maybe you are in the same place? 

Think about it, we will receive POWER when the Holy Spirit comes upon us. God's power, the power to do what HE wants us to do; the POWER to do what Jesus did in human form. That's pretty awesome, isn't it? Often times, at first, we are a lot more upfront about our faith, I know I was. But then, it's also pretty scary to see what a little fear, a little doubt, a little self-consciousness reduces us to. "What will they say/think/do if I ___?" 

Sometimes, I believe wholeheartedly that the Holy Spirit does have us hold back, because the time is not right. Sometimes it is our actions and not our words that does the most talking. Many times we are called to plant or water seeds and someone else will have the pleasure of harvesting. Other times, we are called to do that end part, or even the more special and sometimes more difficult part of discipling a new believer. 

Most of the time, all of those things need to take place and you never know where in that process any one person is, so keep your heart open to the Holy Spirit's still small voice this week and see if He doesn't use you to reach someone else. 

Wide

"Deep and wide, deep and wide, there's a fountain flowing deep and wide..." You may or may not remember that song as a Sunday School favorite. I've sometimes learned that songs that I sang ALL THE TIME in SS, others did not, and vice-versa. So, I guess this word will force me to take a look at my own spiritual life and examine whether or not it truly is deep and wide? Does my faith permeate every decision that I make, and then take wings and reach out to others? If I am honest with myself, not as much as it should, I don't think.

I am comfortable talking about my faith, my co-workers know that I go to church, where I go to church, and that I help teach a kid's SS school class. I am comfortable practicing my faith, in small ways, at least. Most of the time this is recognized as simply "kindness." Not a bad thing, but anyone can be kind. And I don't want to be pushy, so I often wait for the right time, the right words, the right way to say, "You need Christ." Maybe that's a good thing. A Pastor friend of mine wrote on facebook this week, "Saying to a pre-Christian that they need Jesus is like saying to someone who doesn't yet know that they are diabetic that they need insulin." So, what do you think, is that an excuse, or a valid statement?

Change

Wow. If one words defines my life right now, it's change. But then, that's the word that defines my life every couple of years, it seems. I just got promoted at my job, so that's a change. My husband lost his, that's a change. The Senior and Worship Pastors at our church left for other ministry opportunities, that's a change. We are looking to move again, once my husband finds a new job, so that'll be a change. Yes, change is prevalent in my life; and while that is often on the forefront of my mind, I'm still mostly OK with it. There is only one reason for that: the God that I serve is unchanging. Everything around me, all of my circumstances may change, but God is still there, still guiding, still loving, and I still understand that although there is uncertainty, there is also hope.