Lonely

I started a story several years ago which was to be a part of a larger work entitled, "Not Alone." We are never alone, God is always with us, and it is rare that there are no other people around us, however that doesn't mean that we can't feel lonely. The time that I felt the most intensely lonely was the day that I went wedding shopping, alone. While I was planning my wedding, which took place in NYS, I lived in AR. My Maid of Honor, 2 of my bridesmaids, and my mother lived in NYS near where the wedding took place and my third bridesmaid as well as my mother-in-law lived in MN. It wasn't practical for them to be in AR when I went wedding dress shopping, and I knew that. At the same time, that is not something that should be done alone. Not only do you need the opinions of others, who know you, your personality and style but also that is just something that should be shared. I ended up going wedding dress shopping again in NYS, because I just couldn't do it alone. Close to 12 years later, I can still remember how I felt that day, and it wasn't how I wanted any part of my wedding or even the planning to be, and certainly not the marriage, either.

Story

Everyone has a story, including me, but that's not what I want to talk about tonight. No, tonight I want to talk about the story I am writing. I've been working on it for a long time, long enough for it to have made it through a couple of moves, a pregnancy and the birth of my son. It's still not ready yet, but it really is something that I want to finish, feel like I need to finish. It's a part of my big dream, the part that didn't include bringing my son into the world, which I accomplished May 1. But, it seems like I could use some encouragement these days and some time...some time that the baby isn't crying or needing to be fed, or changed, etc. It'll happen, I know, but in the mean time it's a little frustrating...without working, shouldn't I be able to get more done?

Introducing my son...

My last post was a long time ago...and in it I announced I was pregnant. Well, now I am back, the pregnancy is over and now I have an almost 3 month old son! For those who have asked, here's the story of the pregnancy and birth.

I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy at 8 weeks and got to see my little baby not yet looking like a person, but nonetheless knowing that there was indeed life growing inside of me. I was so excited and felt so blessed, then a week later I get a phone call from my doctor's office saying that because of the conditions that initially made it difficult for me to get pregnant, I was being declared a "high risk" pregnancy and I would have to see a specialist (when we initially were told of the complications, we were told that it would be difficult to get pregnant, but if we did, the pregnancy itself would be "no big deal"). Throughout the pregnancy they warned me that I was at a greater risk of having a miscarriage in both the first and second trimesters, that my baby would likely be born very early and thus very small and spend many difficult days in the NICU fighting for his/her life. I was advised not to travel after 24 weeks, because they felt that at that point I could go into labor at any time, and I would want to be home so that he would be in the NICU at home and I could visit and such more easily. 24 weeks is the current medical threshold for which they will try to save the baby, babies born before that time are considered miscarried. I always told the baby, you will make it until at least 37 weeks, for your momma's sake and he did. In fact, he made it to 38 weeks. 

So while we are in the delivery room at 38 weeks and I am in pain and enduring back-to-back contractions for about 5.5 hours, at the same time, I am rejoicing that we made it this far and all should be well. Then his monitor shows that he is having issues with his heart pumping and they put me on oxygen to try to help him out and it's not working and then his heart stops during several contractions. Fear overwhelmed me. All during the pregnancy I could sort of ignore the doctors and believe that the God that allowed me to get pregnant in the first place would also allow me to carry this baby to viability and while there were days that fear overtook me, for the most part I was OK. Now, I was not OK. I was scared that even though we had made it this far, that my perfect little son, was going to be taken away from me. That those few days that all I could do was cry because my mind was flooded with the notion that I would never get to meet my son on Earth were true. I cried out to Nathaniel and inwardly prayed that he would be OK, despite what it looked like. When he was born, crying, with an emergency C-section a little while later, both Ben and I sighed with relief and rejoiced again for our little miracle boy. 

They didn't show me him right away and no one really said anything to me about him. I eventually heard the APGAR scores of 8 and 9, and was thrilled with them after such a traumatic time. But maybe 30 to 45 minutes after his birth the NICU nurse who was sent to examine him because of the C-section, came over to me and said, "Your son is fine. He's scrawny, no, that's mean, he's really skinny. But, he shouldn't have made it. I have no explanation. Congratulations." I should have said, "I know why he made it, because God answered my prayers for him." but I didn't, total missed opportunity there, but I was just so shocked at her words that I had trouble comprehending what she said. In fact the only thing I did say was, "but, he's fine, right?" To which, she affirmed that he was and walked away. 

A little while after that, I was moved to a recovery room and I FINALLY got to hold my skinny little boy! :-) 

Grasp

This week has been a monumentous one for me, for both my husband and I. On Wednesday, my husband, who has been out of work since June, was offered a new job about an hour from where we live, which means at least it will be a short move, rather than a long, drawn-out state to state move that we have had in the past. The other news in even better, though, and something only God could orchestrate. I'm pregnant! This is often a great piece of news for a married couple, but if you know our story, it's even more amazing. If you go back and read http://nlpowers.blogspot.com/2012/05/infertility.html you'll see why. So, for now, I am just trying to grasp the concept that this is real and deny Satan the pleasure of stealing the joy of it with the worries of a first time mom who has longed for this time for so long.

Power

"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” -Acts 1:8 NKJV

This was not the actual text of this morning's sermon, however, it was a part of it. Since the content and sentiment of my post on Friday was along the same lines, I'll take it as the Holy Spirit's leading in MY life that something is about to change (or should, at least). If you read my post from Five Minute Friday a few weeks ago you know that change is nothing new for me; it happens more frequently for me than some others, it seems. That doesn't always mean I like it, but I probably tolerate it better than some. 

Anyway, I am pretty sure that I memorized this particular verse at some point before I was a Christian, so perhaps it didn't have the same impact on me when I would read it afterwards. Maybe you are in the same place? 

Think about it, we will receive POWER when the Holy Spirit comes upon us. God's power, the power to do what HE wants us to do; the POWER to do what Jesus did in human form. That's pretty awesome, isn't it? Often times, at first, we are a lot more upfront about our faith, I know I was. But then, it's also pretty scary to see what a little fear, a little doubt, a little self-consciousness reduces us to. "What will they say/think/do if I ___?" 

Sometimes, I believe wholeheartedly that the Holy Spirit does have us hold back, because the time is not right. Sometimes it is our actions and not our words that does the most talking. Many times we are called to plant or water seeds and someone else will have the pleasure of harvesting. Other times, we are called to do that end part, or even the more special and sometimes more difficult part of discipling a new believer. 

Most of the time, all of those things need to take place and you never know where in that process any one person is, so keep your heart open to the Holy Spirit's still small voice this week and see if He doesn't use you to reach someone else. 

Wide

"Deep and wide, deep and wide, there's a fountain flowing deep and wide..." You may or may not remember that song as a Sunday School favorite. I've sometimes learned that songs that I sang ALL THE TIME in SS, others did not, and vice-versa. So, I guess this word will force me to take a look at my own spiritual life and examine whether or not it truly is deep and wide? Does my faith permeate every decision that I make, and then take wings and reach out to others? If I am honest with myself, not as much as it should, I don't think.

I am comfortable talking about my faith, my co-workers know that I go to church, where I go to church, and that I help teach a kid's SS school class. I am comfortable practicing my faith, in small ways, at least. Most of the time this is recognized as simply "kindness." Not a bad thing, but anyone can be kind. And I don't want to be pushy, so I often wait for the right time, the right words, the right way to say, "You need Christ." Maybe that's a good thing. A Pastor friend of mine wrote on facebook this week, "Saying to a pre-Christian that they need Jesus is like saying to someone who doesn't yet know that they are diabetic that they need insulin." So, what do you think, is that an excuse, or a valid statement?

Change

Wow. If one words defines my life right now, it's change. But then, that's the word that defines my life every couple of years, it seems. I just got promoted at my job, so that's a change. My husband lost his, that's a change. The Senior and Worship Pastors at our church left for other ministry opportunities, that's a change. We are looking to move again, once my husband finds a new job, so that'll be a change. Yes, change is prevalent in my life; and while that is often on the forefront of my mind, I'm still mostly OK with it. There is only one reason for that: the God that I serve is unchanging. Everything around me, all of my circumstances may change, but God is still there, still guiding, still loving, and I still understand that although there is uncertainty, there is also hope.

Join

Have you ever been asked to join something you didn't think that you wanted to, only to find out that it made a profound, positive change in your life? Have you ever said yes to doing something, without even thinking about it? I have. Over 20 years ago, I said, "yes" to going to camp, the night before I was to leave. I didn't think about it, not even for a second, I was asked and before I knew what I was saying the word had left my mouth. Little did I know that that week I would join together not only with people of my own age and denomination for a week, but a much greater body that spans the world and time itself. I joined with the Body of Christ, not just for a week, but for my lifetime. God changed my heart, my mind, and gave me something more to live for, something more to be. For that I am ever thankful.

Here

I had a t-shirt that my best friend from high school's mom gave me that said, "Bloom where you're planted." It's sort of funny, because when I was in high school, and for the first two years afterward, I lived in the same small town that I had always lived in; a blue-collar city located on the Hudson River. However, since that time I've moved what sometimes seems like a hundred times (really it's been about 8). However, I have always tried to see the reason why I am here. What God has for me to both learn and contribute to the community that I am in. I try to always be content wherever here is, because I know there is a reason for it. God is good, and I am happy to be of His service, however He sees fit in the here and now.

Beyond

Everywhere I have ever lived has been called home, some of them still are, in a sense. I have a home in Kansas, a home in New York, and a home in Minnesota. They say home is where your heart is, or alternately, where you hang your hat. I'm not so sure about the hat thing, I don't tend to wear them, but I find my heart divided and I wonder why God can't let us settle someplace here on earth. I know that my home, really, truly, is not on this earth, but somewhere beyond here, in heaven. But I still wish, upon the same stars I have seen in every night sky, that we could be somewhere, nearly anywhere, for a long enough period of time to put down roots.

Forgiveness

This was our Sunday School lesson this past week, for the 3rd and 4th graders I teach. It's one that a lot of adults struggle with, too. Some people will say that to forgive too soon, or too easily, or without being asked often means that the offending person won't learn anything from the event. Sometimes, that will probably happen, but most of the time, it doesn't. Why? Because most bad behavior is precipitated by wanting attention. At that point, they don't care whether it's good or bad attention, they just need someone to pay attention to them, to feel like they matter, that they exist. Sad, isn't it? That's not to say that is always the case, but it often is. Other bad behavior is an escape mechanism. My reality stinks, so I want to alter my perspective on it by using alcohol/drugs/sex/whatever to escape. Are there exceptions to these two things? Absolutely! But, the vast majority of bad behavior fits into one or both of those categories.

So, then, where and how does forgiveness come into it? Well, we know that we need to be forgiven, for all of the mistakes, mess ups, and sins we've committed. The Lord's prayer says, "Forgive us our debts/trespasses as we forgive our debtors/those who trespass against us." Ouch; forgive us as we forgive others. Sometimes, harboring hate towards someone else will eat at us, and make us feel like the one who messed up, and that's valid, because we then aren't following out God's will and we are creating a barrier between ourselves and God. 

Look for another blog post later this week, showing how that forgiving can turn a life around. :-) But, for now, I'll leave you this morning with a song from Tenth Avenue North entitled "Losing." 

Enough

My husband was watching Rocky IV tonight, for what had to be the hundreth time. In it, Adrian (Rocky's wife) at one point yells at Rocky, "You can't win!" I have to say, that's a horrible thing for any spouse to say to their mate. I've heard it from mine, well, not that I couldn't win, but that I couldn't do something that I want, have nearly always wanted to do: write. Professionally. I have been through a half dozen of his job changes through the past 10 years we have been married, most of them not his choice, and each of which brought us to a new state. We are even currently looking for the next job, the next new place. But, no matter what the circumstances have been, we have always had enough.

Love: defined

Our text this morning was Romans 12:9-13. Here it is from the Message: "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality."

The Sunday School lessons this month that I am helping to teach are also on love. Last week we talked about the three Greek words for love: eros, phileo, and agape, as well as briefly about loving our enemies. This week it was about showing others love by putting them first. They both go along the same lines, yes?

So, what does it mean in today's society to truly love others? What does it look like? More importantly, how can I go about loving others in the way that Christ calls me to, even in this time of transition and turmoil for my husband and I?

There was a homeless couple outside the store I work at a couple of days last week, at first I thought there was only one person, but it turns out there were two. When I thought that there was only one, I was willing to share my lunch with them, but when I went out there were two, and I didn't feel I had enough for three, so I turned around and went back inside. When I got out of work that night, they were gone. Hopefully, someone with more means helped them out, but I can't guarantee that. I do wonder what I lost out on by not helping, though.

I also have to believe that part of the message that God is sending me today, through these lessons as well as other things that I have seen and heard today, is that I am not to give up. Things might be hard today, but there is work still to be done. While I don't know what or where our next mission field will be, I can rest assured that God is already at work there, preparing it for us, while He is also preparing us for it. :-)

Infertility

I originally wrote this for someone else's blog, actually, for a blog that I don't regularly read, though a friend of mine does and often posts them to facebook. This morning, I read another blog, one that I do read frequently, on the subject of loneliness in the sight of God's plans. Having written the following just 6 hours prior, I knew I wanted to share it with the author of that blog, who shares my struggle with infertility and thus knows the intense isolation and insecurity that can result from it. I figured others might benefit from it as well, and so for the first time in months, I am posting a blog. Maybe, I'll get better at it and write more often. :-)

I have never actually been told that I cannot have children. However, after nearly ten years of marriage, I am beginning to think that it will just never happen for me, for us. For my husband, who told me five years into our marriage that he didn’t want to have children, this is somewhat a victory. For me, who has always longed for child to hold in my arms, it is a bitter defeat. The fact that this is the case, makes it all the harder for me, because he doesn’t understand my struggle. Despite the fact that he doesn’t want to have children, my husband, to his credit, said that we could “try” six and a half years into our marriage. His version of trying was more like not doing anything to prevent, but being young and naïve, I figured I’d be pregnant inside of a year. After all, how many unplanned pregnancies are there in a year?

When month after month came and went with not even so much as a serious thought of “I might be pregnant” I went to the doctor. Despite annual exams since I was a teenager, a new doctor discovered during a regular pap smear that I have two cervices and uteri. While this may not altogether prevent me from conceiving and carrying a child to term, it definitely won’t make it any easier. I also have had issues with out of control periods since I was a teenager, with no explanation or found medical answer. My doctors’ answer was to put me on birth control pills. I started doing that a full eight years before I’d ever have sex for the first time, on our wedding night. I continued on afterwards, for two reasons: 1) to prevent a pregnancy before we had time to get used to living with one another, and 2) to attempt to control my out of control cycle. I even had an episode where my period lasted for three months, despite the use of the pill; the solution was to switch me to a different one. There were three strikes against me, in baseball, that means you’re out. But life isn’t a baseball game, and the rollercoaster didn’t stop there.

After two years of “trying,” my younger sister offered to surrogate for us.  She has four children now, but at the time had three. At first, I saw this as hope, and my husband even agreed to consider and pray about it. And pray we did, together and separately. At the end of a week, we both clearly had an answer, the same answer: no. God used the story of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Ishmael and Isaac to say no to the surrogacy, because He had a better plan, for them; and I hope, for us. My husband was apologetic, I felt like I might die from grief, even as I recognized the hope that ought to come from His answer. Gradually, I began to accept this answer from God, I wanted to be obedient, even if it seemed like my heart would break in the process.

Nearly two more years have passed since then and most days I am okay, but there are just some days, where the mention of a child, especially an unwanted one, will tear open old wounds and the tears will flow uncontrollably. I do not yet know if the second part of the “no” answer was also for me, or not, but I silently hold out hope and know that even if I never hold a child of my own in my arms, my obedience to His perfect plan, will, in the end, garner much more joy than a child conceived in disobedience, even if I can’t even type that without those uncontrollable tears. 

An Apology and Recent Thoughts

It's been a long time since I last blogged. To my few readers, I am sorry. During the month of November I was working on a novel and well, life got in the way. I have a different job, again, and also have a job interview on Wednesday for yet another job. I am excited about the new job possibility, but I feel as though I have yet to accomplish what God has for me to do where I am at now. The job that I am at now is in no way one that I want to stay at forever, but I believe that God has me there for at least one specific reason.

I have continually been complimented on my positive attitude and demeanor, even when people are rude or confrontational to me, often about things that are out of my control. One co-worker has commented, several times, that I am "always joyful." I am not, but he hasn't yet seen me in an alternate state of mind. He once asked me why and I didn't really answer him. I am not really sure why. I know the source of my joy, it is God. It is the relationship that I have with Him that colors every part of my life. Galatians 5:22-23 says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Most of the time, I think I exhibit these traits. However, like all people, I have moments when I forget what is truly important in favor of some selfish ambition. It's something I am often ashamed of quickly after it happens. It hurts me that I hurt Him and yet it happens more often than I'd care to admit.

So, to those who think that I am perfect, I am not. I am, however, trying to serve God with all of my heart, mind and soul.

The Great Physician

Okay, so my sermon reflection is a little late this week. I've been busy reading, and not writing. The sermon I listened to this week was on the story of Naaman from 2 Kings 5. Also, it was not the greatest week to reflect on late, because I have no notes, either. lol The story of Naaman is basically this: He was a Syrian military leader who got leprosy. He met an Israelite girl who told him to go see Elisha, because he could heal him. Naaman worked this out so that he could go and he brought gifts of gold, silver, and jewelry with him. He knocks on Elisha's door but a slave says, go wash in the nasty, dirty Jordan River 7 times and you'll be cured. Naaman gets mad that Elisha doesn't even bother coming to the door, so he heads for home, angry. One of his servants says, "Hey, if he told you to do something complicated, you'd go and do it, but because he told you to do something simple, you're mad and won't even try?" So, Naaman does, and he's cured. He then decides that maybe the Israelite's God is powerful, and worships Him.

So, how does that relate to our lives today? Should we go wash in the Jordan River? No, I don't think so, or at least not as a matter of course. I think it's more that we a) need to trust God that He can heal us in any way that He so chooses and b) that sometimes what God asks us to do doesn't always seem logical.

On the first point, please remember that there are all sorts of ways that we need healing, it's not just physically. Also, because God can use all sorts of ways, He will use modern medicine and that should not be withheld in the name of faith simply because it is science. There are times that medical personnel have no answers for us, or that God will direct us away from this course, but unless this is the case, it is more than okay to use this. Also, please keep in mind, that God sometimes chooses not to heal us from (especially) physical issues for whatever reason. Just because you don't get the answer you wanted, doesn't mean that He's not answering your prayer or that He doesn't care.

On the second point, we have to trust Him, that no matter what He's asking us to do, He has our best interests at heart. It may seem odd, scary, or downright crazy, but if He's asking us to do it, we've got to have faith that it's going to change the situation. We just need to trust and obey...for while we struggle with this often (or at least I do) that's what this whole Christian walk is all about.

Life, Outside the Home

I haven't left the apartment very much lately. Going to the store for a few things has been about it, unless Ben is with me. Today, though, I went a few places, and had a little fun, spending no money except for the gas in my car. It was a good day. One I felt alive in.

So, my interview today went quite well. Well enough, at least, that I got called sometime shortly after I left to come back for awhile in the afternoon and play some more with another group of kids. lol This is a good thing, though the person doing the hiring did say that she had other candidates to interview yet. But, I figured if I wasn't in the running, there was no reason to call me and ask me to spend time with another group of kids. If I get this job, there are two little boys that I will have to keep my eye on, but such is the nature of life. I don't know that these little boys are quite as impish as my nephews, but they definitely could get themselves hurt if no one's watching. One of the girls reminded me of the boy's sister, which means she's quiet and sweet...though this one doesn't seem to like the computer as much as my niece! lol

Between my two trips to the center, I did some window shopping. I didn't buy anything, I just kind of walked around a few stores and got some ideas, mainly for when I have a little more money (i.e. after I have a job). lol I love to window shop! My husband thinks I am insane for this, I know, but I'd rather window shop than go into a store looking for something specific...especially clothing for me. That's no fun at all! I don't know if it's a pressure thing or what, but I hate it. So, after I came home the second time I made dinner for Ben and I-beef fajitas, which I really like and he doesn't so much. I did them a different way this time, and they weren't my favorite, either. I like the old way better. You live and learn.

After dinner, I went to Lake Shawnee Park and took a long walk...over 2 miles. Prayed, read my Bible, and took some pictures of water, flowers and such. Should you really be that interested in seeing them, you can find them on deviantart.com under hopefaithjoy. All in all, I felt more "alive" today than I have in a long time, which is a good thing.

Teary Eyes

I don't know if this happens to you, but it does to me; I'll be doing whatever and see or hear something and tears will jump into my eyes (to steal a phrase from my 6 year old niece). Today, this happened to me. Now, I wasn't in the best frame of mind since I learned that the sale on the house definitely fell through today, but what I was seeing at the time had nothing to do with it and I wasn't particularly thinking about it at the time, either. I was driving to the grocery store for a few things and the neighborhood kids were getting off of the school bus after their first day of school. I am not sure what the problem with this was. Whether it was the fact that I don't have kids (but want to), the fact that we were thinking about hosting a foreign exchange student this year and ended up not being able to because of the job loss and move, or the fact that I don't at this moment have a job working with kids in any capacity, I really don't know.

I do have an interview for a job working at a day care center on Thursday, which is a job that will have me working with kids, but is a distant second to the other working with kids job that I have applied for. I won't hear if I'm even being considered for that job until sometime after Sept. 1, though. The day care center job I am somewhat over qualified for, but I have been over qualified for other jobs and not gotten them, so I am not going into this thinking I am a shoo-in. As for the other job, I am not sure that I am exactly the candidate that they are looking for, but I am confident that what God has for me is best and am just hoping that it comes soon.

Worship vs. Attending Church

If church has been a part of your life for any length of time, you've probably done both. Sometimes we merely attend church, we are physically present, but our spirit is elsewhere. In contrast, I know that I have worshiped outside of the walls or body of the church. You know, of course, that the building isn't the church. If I learned nothing else from the 2005 fire at Crane Chapel, I learned that. While corporate worship definitely is to be a part of our lives (Hebrews 10:25) we need more than an hour or two a week of corporate worship to grow in Christ. It is also a mistake, in my opinion, to consider singing as the only (or even most prevalent) form of worship. I think that many churches called the singing portion of a church service "worship," because of ease and at some point that became part of our liturgy. That's not to say that I don't enjoy music, I do, even if my husband says that my singing is below par. lol The church I now attend actually states on its website that, "God is tone deaf when it comes to your worship. Any noise you make for Him is beautiful!" And then there is the question of movement. Even though I grew up in a tradition that moves very little during worship and lived for 5 years in the stoic MN tundra, I generally move a little. Not full out dancing, but raising hand(s), swaying, clapping, etc. are all a part of my worship style. My husband, not so much; and that's okay. 


As I said, though, music does not need to be a part of our worship. Studying or reading the Bible, praying, fasting, and loving/serving others in the name of Christ are all ways that we can worship God and they need to be a part of our lives every day. Even these, though, are just elements of worship, they can be used to worship, or they can just be going through the motions. Anything we do that helps us to encounter God and in response to Him offer your life to Him, is worship, which will inevitably draw us closer to God. 

Conversations with Jesus

This is at least the third time I am reading this book, it's one of my favorites, yet I doubt that most people have heard of it. Most of the book is modern-day (or at least within the last 60 years or so) retellings of Jesus' parables. Because we don't have the same cultural understanding as the original hearers of the parables, we don't always get how radical the teachings were. Take for example, the parable of the "Good Samaritan." In our cultural context today, this is a common phrase, we have made it a part of our culture. However, the Jews of Jesus' day would never think of a Samaritan as good. To them, the Samaritans were the bad guys.

So, Harold Fickett, the author, put this in a more modern day, American context for us, where Korean-American husband and wife shopkeepers are robbed and attacked by some gang members. Then, a skinhead, a Jewish person and an African-American come to their aid, dial 911 and go with them to the hospital while working together to do so. Not so common, right? Not so expected, and that's the point. To just do what is expected of us, is not what Christ calls us to, He calls us to do the unexpected, to go above and beyond. To love people in such a way that it can't be missed, whether we agree with them or not.