Every experience God gives us, every person that He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see.
- Corrie Ten Boom

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Nine Years

Some years ago I had a co-worker tell me that if Ben and I were to stay married for 7 years it would be a miracle. Well, we've now been married for 9, so I guess we got a miracle. Sometimes it seems like it's been longer, sometimes it seems like it was yesterday. Our marriage has been a bit bumpy at times, with 4 moves to 4 different states. I talked to my brother the other day and he says, "You live in Kansas now? Your call came up as Kansas and I said, 'I don't think I know anyone in Kansas.'" Sad, I know, my brother and I talk about once a year. We have way different values and it doesn't seem to work out well. I have a sister who moved out of state, as well, he doesn't really talk to her either, or her kids. I guess it's a distance thing as much as it is a values thing.

Anyway, 9 years ago today, I was sick. Actually I was sick for about a year leading up to the wedding. It was great fun, not. My husband still doesn't recognize that I was ill, because I still functioned to a point, at least when he was around. In actuality, I slept if I wasn't at work or doing something with him, or about to. My daily routine was get up, get ready, go to work, do my job (teach 4th grade), go home, sleep, get up and make dinner, eat dinner with him, clean up a little, do any school work I needed to do and go back to bed to do it all again the next day. It was miserable. I had no health insurance, I was making very little money and I couldn't afford to go to the doctors. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I could have? I wonder if things would be different now? You see my illness had everything to do with my "woman parts" and now I'm barren. 9 years, no kids. It makes me sad sometimes. Most of the time I'm okay, but there are definitely days of sadness. My husband doesn't understand. He never really cared if he had kids, which in some ways is good, because it doesn't look like he's going to have any; in other ways this is bad, because he doesn't understand AT ALL why this fact makes me upset. What? Just because I've wanted to be a mom for a long time? Just because I majored in Elementary Education in college so that I could home-school my kids and the state couldn't do anything about it? Yeah...anyway, he doesn't get it. Which is sad, too and often frustrating, as well.

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